I had to put my sweet Diesel down this summer. It was an incredibly hard decision...one I still struggle with today, almost 7 months later. But I think I can finally write about him now. He deserves a proper remembrance. Ruston prayed about him in Sunday School this morning, so he's really been on my heart today.
That poor baby was so sick for so long. He was such a trooper though... He still walked into that vet clinic with his tail a waggin'. We visited the vet's office quite frequently his last year or so. Sometimes I feel really selfish for how long I let him go on. And then other times I feel selfish for choosing to let him go. It's hard to decide that someone is ready to die. But I could see it in his eyes. Sheesh, now I'm crying! I still miss that dog like crazy.
I had Diesel for right at 10 years. And what a crazy 10 years it was. That dog went through college with me, a handful of relationships, moved into 8 different apartments/houses, hung out at my wedding, and loved on my baby. Diesel went everywhere with me. He was with me through scary times, like family deaths and car wrecks; sad times, like break-ups, fights, and moves to new towns; and in incredibly happy times, like my wedding, random parties, and when Ruston was born. He was always there - involved in all the action. Sometimes I come home or look at the floor and still expect him to be there.
The night before we let Diesel go, I tried to stay calm and pretty much had to talk to myself all evening to convince myself I was doing the right thing. We made ourselves some keepsakes and then set up a pallet on the living room floor. I wanted as much time as possible before saying goodbye.
The next morning, I felt somewhat at peace and almost confident in my decision. But when I got into the room with him, I just felt heavy. I sat on the floor and he laid in my lap. I talked to him and told him how much I loved him. He was so relaxed, he was falling asleep in my lap. The process was very quick and peaceful. During the middle of it though, I had to bite my tongue to keep from crying out, "Stop! I changed my mind!" Danny was waiting outside. We buried him at the tank, next to his old buddy, Boomer. That whole event was heartbreaking, and one that I will never forget.
I was a wreck for a while after that. Heck, sometimes I still am. We left for the beach for a while, and then stayed at Danny's parents house. I just wasn't ready to be at home without him. I read some books on pet loss that shed light and validated how I was feeling, but I don't know that they made me feel any better. I know not everyone is a dog person and would probably think I am crazy. But man, that dog was special. He wasn't just a dog... he was my friend. My confidant. My biggest fan. That dog loved me more than anything and man, I loved him too. Still do. No dog will ever compare to him.
